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“Climate Activist Capture and Storage” scheme launched.

DECEMBER 7, 2008:  The government is launching a new initiative designed to prevent dangerous interference in its climate change inactivity. “Climate Activist Capture and Storage” will be rolled out across all departments over the coming months, in an attempt to decrease the number of 'free radicals' circulating in the atmosphere. This follows warnings from political scientists that if the concentration of such activists, which are a natural by-product of the state-business hot air production, reaches a crucial threshold of 550 parts per million, dangerous positive feedback loops might occur.

Energy Minister Malcolm Wickerman, of the newly created Department of Energy Capture and Co-optation (DECC), said in a speech last night “Political energy comes from different sources, and we're developing different technologies to harness each kind. Some are useful to us, and can be directed towards making our incremental and market-based solutions seem adequate. Here, the challenge before us is to identify the more naive and pliable elements among the various “low carbon communities,” “transition kitchen sink movements” and quasi non-governmental organisations (NGOs) which are in search of victories to maintain their credibility and sense of efficacy. We must then make them believe that we're listening, so they are less likely to kick up a real fuss. These activists can basically be pumped into storage containers and will do no damage to our politico-economic systems. There is a small danger of some leakage, but we think this is manageable.”

He continued by observing that this is something the British elite have been doing for hundreds of years, and so there were therefore reasonable grounds for optimism.

“The real danger, “Mr Wickerman continued “is in a coalition of free radicals that doesn't just have one meeting or demonstration- we can live with that- but comes back having reflected properly, learnt from its mistakes and mis-steps, and is each time stronger and more nimble. Our patterns of consumption, production and control are finely tuned, but also fragile. We can't afford the risk of systemic and effective critiques of our technological and technocratic approach to climate change mitigation and adaptation. Sustained and imaginative campaigns of direct action, civil disobedience and exposure of our broken-and inadequate anyway- pledges could create a very unstable climate.”

Contingencies plans already drawn up by the Cabinet Office's Civil Contingencies Bureau, the National Extremist Tactical Co-ordination Unit (and their civilian offshoot, the Observer newspaper) have been reviewed, and further measures will be implemented as necessary.

Fortunately for the government, the various potentially radical forces are either failing to grow with the speed they had hoped, are static, or actually even shrinking. Strategists at the Ministry of Defence's Counter-counter Systemic Network Unit have circulated a classified report within Whitehall, which has been seen by this paper. Its Executive Summary includes the observation that “Many of these groups lack capacity or motivation to observe and orient on their failure to bring in large numbers of new members and keep them. Those few that have situational awareness currently have not decided and acted effectively. This has been a boon to the State, which is exquisitely vulnerable in the ideological battlespace.”

The summary concludes that “currently the CcSNU's mission is being executed for us by cliquey behaviour, burnout and an almost total lack of critical engagement by the enemy with local platoons of the state in councils and regional agencies. The hard boring work of capacity-building and legitimisation of direct action has been eschewed in favour of 'comfort zone tedium' and random spasms of mobilisation, that are often gone in a flash.” The classified report cautions that while this situation is highly beneficial to the maintenance of the status quo, it cannot be relied upon to continue indefinitely, and that therefore further funding of its “Resilient Hegemony” programme is non-discretionary.

In a separate development, the Secretary of State for DECC, Ed Milipede, spoke to reporters at Heathrow upon his return from a six-day 5 continent trip during which he had met with various politicians. All had agreed that carbon emissions must be cut dramatically at some point after they had left office, and several offered to visit him in London to sign non-binding notes of understanding to that effect.